Why I Hate Supermarkets.
Okay, sure. Places like Walmart are really convenient, have a mind-boggling variety of merchandise to choose from, and are generally pretty easy to navigate through. Except when you’re having a shitty day.
You walk in with something to return, and immediately you’re tackled by a 75 year old man who wants to inquire as to what you’re doing with a bag in your hand, and asks to see your receipt. Because you know, lots of people steal. On their way in to the store. Anyways, after you’ve been cleared by the top-notch security system, you proceed to customer service. There will inevitably be a line wrapping around the corner, and only one person working the returns till, despite your local Walmart having a staggering number of actual employees. The one running the register couldn’t be less enthusiastic to be doing her job, but who can really blame her for that one. This woman may also have a light beard, a weight problem, and a heavy gait.
You stand in line for about 20 minutes, or a similar ludicrous time frame for a store with this many employees, before relegating the task of returning your item to “when it’s less crowded.” Just as you walk away, the line magically dissipates, and for a moment you’re fooled into thinking the universe gave you a break on this one. Except when you go to walk back to the till, 8 people come OUT OF THE WALLS and snatch that opportunity right out of your clenched fists. “Oh well, I’ll come back at midnight.”
Then you proceed to navigate through the big-beyond-all-sense retail store, (Our Walmart is a Super Walmart, which really just means the same amount of merchandise as a normal Walmart but spaced out into 6 football fields.) and then you realize that the two things you’ve come in for are at opposite ends of the goddamn stadium. So, you pick up one of your awkwardly packaged items (heavy things never seem to have handles, and in your rushed panic at being attacked at the door you forgot to get a cart or a basket) and proceed to make the sojourn to the other end of the store. You complete this arduous trip, and then head up to the registers to purchase your items and to end the awful experience.
At first glance, you see one of those fancy self-checkouts, and you think “well, golly, this is so convenient and much quicker than going through a regular line!” Don’t fall for it. You’ll have to decipher a complex panel of hieroglyphics in order to look up the UPC code for your awkwardly packaged produce item, and if you don’t hurry and bag it right away, the system freezes and proceeds to yell at you for not bagging it. Because that’s required apparently. I guess the price of wanting to do something quickly and fuss-free is being verbally badgered by a machine. You’re also mildly irritated at having mastered complex back end website code (well, if you’re me at least) but you can’t seem to crack this simple piece of electronic fuckery.
So, after you’ve stood there for about 5 minutes waiting for the machine to allow you to hit the “skip bagging” button, a hulking brute of an underpaid female employee meanders on over to you and asks you if you need any help. NO, LURCH, I DO NOT IN FACT NEED YOUR HELP. AN HOUR AGO? SURE. NOW? NOT SO MUCH.
You finally come through that little endeavor, angry but relatively unscathed. Guess who is waiting by the doors to lunge at you a second time? Yep, that’s right. The top-notch 75 year old security system. He questions you as to why you didn’t return the item you came in with, and you resist the urge to break his hip. Or give him a swift roundhouse kick to the face. Either/or. This is why I hate supermarkets. And I didn’t even go into the hoards of white trash and running, screaming children you have to swim through in order to make it out of the store alive. It’s experiences like these that make you sympathize with the idea of homicide.
I’d delve into a lengthy treatise about why none of us should shop at Walmart to begin with, with the outsourcing, underpaid foreign laborers, and the sterile homogenized robotic-personless world we live in because of it, but I just don’t have the energy.
Comments
I’ve only ever been in one Walmart in my entire life, but that one didn’t seem so bad :P. I generally like superstores, because I usually only come across them when I’m on vacation and everything is great when you’re on vacation, even shops. xD
LOL I love this entry. So much. It’s so true but I just can’t let go of Wally World. He’s been so good to me.
You’ve inspired me to write a rant about the new big box supermarkets and their self-checkout systems.
I hate being accosted by the old greeters, just because I’m wandering around near the front of the store doesn’t mean I want a fucking cart so please, leave me alone. God. I’ve never tried to return anything to Walmart, but I have a feeling that I wouldn’t like it. A few weeks ago my dad told me to find out how much a pool was, so I walked over to the customer service thing and asked if there was anyone that could help me. After making me repeat it twice she waddled over to the phone and called for someone to come in and do a price check. Great, except I waited for ten minutes and no one came and by then she’d waddled off to god knows where and no one was around except for an old guy who kept trying to give me a cart.
Walmart can suck my balls basically.
I’ve been to Walmart a few times, but thankfully we don’t have too many around. Instead, we have Target. The only difference with Target is that they have forty cash registers and virtually no one on the floor to help you find anything. Everyone that works their is either in high school or dropped out five years ago...except for the dressing rooms. Those women are older than time.
Stores that are that large are and will always be like that because they usually have high turnover rates and are more concerned with making a profit than keeping both customers and employees happy.
Wow! Our Walmart over here seems almost holy compared to yours! I have never been to a sucky Walmart or any convenience store in my life (and I don’t plan on doing so, either)
I don’t think I’ll ever “stop” going to Walmart just because of those things you mentioned at the end. Look, it’s those people, or me going broke. And I guess in the human nature of being selfish, my wallet is crying louder.
This is hilarious beyond all hilariousity.
I feel the same way about Walmart Super Centers.
I can’t count how many times I’ve walked through the doors, taken in ailes stretching into eternity, gotten overwhelmed, and turned around and walked back to my car.
Half the time I find there is a better selection at a Not Super Walmart.
We do not have Walmarts over here, but I feel your pain.
I hate the self serve tills, I work on tills as a job, but I still cannot master the art of these self serve tills. Why are they so damn annoying? I will never know.
WTF at the security guard checking you on the way in. Was he checking to see if you were shop lifting from another store or something?
lol electronic fuckery. ily
I haven’t liked Wal-Mart for awhile, although more so because this area has to be heavily populated with the super centers. Majority of the Wally’s around the Chicagoland are GHETTO as fuck.
That and since watching the Walmart movie a few years back (http://www.walmartmovie.com/) it kind of changes your entire perspective on things. :\
When I used to go to Wal-Mart it was only ever after midnight. Granted, you have to deal with not only crazy customers, but crazy employees, but at least you could shop somewhat in peace…
I never have that much trouble at my Walmart. The guy at the doors aren’t more than 55 years old and they seem really nice. The custom service though, I agree 100% with you. The line is always down the street and around the corner. It drives me nuts when the one person at the register returning the items has only been on the job for what, maybe 24 hours?
My main problem with Walmart though, is where they hide their GOSHDARN BOOKS!