I am so over all of the connectivity issues we have and how shitty our ISP is. We have digital phone, cable and internet access all through the same company for more than one reason. For one, it’s a fucking monopoly so there’s no other choice as far as high speed internet access goes, and secondly, putting everything together is (albeit marginally) cheaper than paying for everything separately.

We recently had an outage that lasted for two days. Okay, fair enough. Shit happens. I’d call the support number periodically (via cellphone because nothing worked) to check on the status, and they’d been “working diligently” on the issue and no status updates, a description of what caused the outage, or any kind of time frame as to when it would be fixed were available.

Finally the phone and cable started coming back little by little, and both of those are fully restored now. The internet however? I’ve spent the good part of 2 days pinging via command prompt, reconfiguring my wireless adapter and router, and wanting to throw my computer out the window. I’m lucky to be able to connect at all right now. The odd part is, is that my Last.fm audioscrobbler and my IM client both work fine, I just can’t load pages and/or my pings are timing out. The outage is over and my area has 99% service, so I’m guessing I’m just fucked.

So, I call support. What a mistake. I verified my information FOUR times (despite the first technician telling me I wouldn’t have to verify it again), and sat on the phone for an hour with a woman in India who walked me through the same troubleshooting flows I’d been doing on my own for the past two days. Because she wouldn’t let me speak. And because her grasp of English was sparse, and that’s being generous. Lady, I’m not new to this. The shitty company you work for? Yeah, I’ve dealt with it for a while and I know all of my networking tricks.

I’m not mad at her though, she just sits there to pay her bills. I am however, pissed off at our shitty cable provider. I’m pissed that there are no other options in my area. I’m pissed that a globally traded, multi-billion dollar a year company can’t locate and fix a small (small in comparison to the network they have all over the United States) outage that effects over half of Ohio. I’m pissed that I’m pissed about this to begin with.

I’m pissed that if you try to schedule a technician to come to your home to make sure everything is in proper working order, that they give you the most ridiculous, vague ass time frame. “We can send a tech out from 2 to 5pm in a week and a half.” Are you kidding me? We pay you over $100 a month to wait a week and a half with no phone or internet access, and to sit on our asses from 2 to 5 on the off chance that a minimum wage, freshly paroled technician will stroll up and fuck with some wires? Die in a fire.

I need a vacation.

Myspace’s GOD AWFUL structure - I spent about an hour trying to edit my Myspace, and while it looks better than it did, I give up. Tom, you are a fucking asshole, and I hate your guts. Stop using tables, stop styling EVERYTHING YOU CAN FIND with span classes, and learn how to code cleanly and semantically without the use of inline style tags in your markup. Half of the line break tags are unenclosed with the other half ARE enclosed, some of the links aren’t escaped, and it looks like you let a 5 year old loose in your index file. Drink bleach.

Helvetica Neue as a main body font. - I love Helvetica Neue as much as the next font-obsessed designer. But the fact remains, that Helvetica Neue is NOT readable in small sizes. Not everyone uses a Mac, or a browser that antialiases text to smooth things out. And even WITH text-smoothing, it’s still hard to read and it looks like shit. Secondly, not everyone even HAS the font installed, so why use it to begin with if only a marginal number of your visitors are going to see it (and be irritated by it) in the first place? Stick to using the font on mastheads or at large sizes. Of course, we do have the option of using the Stylish plugin for Firefox to change the font, but a.) who has time for shit like that if you need information in a hurry, and b.) how many people really use Stylish? Stop being a fucking idiot and use a regular font face.

Google Ads and horrible placement. - Okay, I have no problem with you wanting to monetize your blog. I do think it’s pretty pointless unless you have a heavy traffic flow, or visitors stupid enough to click on shit that LOOKS like spammy ads in the first place. But whatever, it’s your website. It still infuriates me when websites claiming to focus on “usability” and “readability” slap Google ads above their content section. It’s visually distracting, disjointed and gets in the way of displaying your content, especially when you neglect to style it accordingly and it’s mashed against your text. If you have to use them, choose the inline display in the Adsense options, and put it in a discrete place, like your footer. The only thing your 16-iframed-Google ads make me want to do is leave your website and never return. Or go Adblock-happy, depending on my mood.

Black and white layouts aren’t unique or creative. - While it’s true that when showcasing your work to a potential client, it’s good to send a message of design nuetrality, to show them that you’re flexible in what you can do. You don’t have to slap 80pt Georgia with some black line breaks on a white background to be neutral. It’s all over the place, and it has never been effective or even mildly attractive. It’s not creative, visually appealing, or unique. Stop it.

Yellow text on a black background has never looked good. - And it will never look good. Enough said. I don’t even need a thumbnail for this one.

Now cut the shit, dudes.

Automobile - Automobile is such a great font for several reasons. It’s hard to find a good cursive font, and this one fits the bill for whatever I need it to do. It has a distinct retro-feel to it while retaining modern flow and symmetry. Definitely a must-have.

Lane Narrow - Lane Narrow is a great alternative to Helvetica Neue. They aren’t identical, but they both have the same modern, sleek flow to them. It’s nice to have without that big Helvetica price tag.

Segoe UI - Segoe UI is a Microsoft font originally developed for print, and works great as an alternative to Myriad Pro. I see this font used on a lot of Mac-inspired buttons, and it has a definite web 2.0 feeling to it.

Slab Tall X Medium I love Salb Serif fonts. This one has many of the same characteristics as Rockwell, and looks fantastic with illustrations. It has that retro serif feel, while still being versatile enough to use on web 2.0 style designs.

Susie’s Hand - This font was originally developed by a Scrapbooker, and can be pretty difficult to track down. You guys have to check out the rest of this font, because that preview totally doesn’t do it justice. I love me some handwritten fonts, and this one is definitely one of the best. I use it often as a focal point font, especially for use in print.

Telegrafico - I have a thing for font faces that look like they were developed during the golden age of modern design, and this one fits that description nicely. I use this often on everything from mastheads to buttons, and it would look sexual paired with a more flowy, decorative font like Automobile up there.

Speaking of modernism, another font I’ve been drooling over lately is Scene. It may not look that much different from many other sans-serif fonts available, but I am so in love with it. It’s also the font used throughout Expression Engine’s entire user interface, and it always looks good no matter what usage it has. Feel free to send it to me illegally if you have it, or alternatively, buy it for me. Thanxbai.

Now, if you’ll all excuse me, I need to move to the moon.

Sometimes when I’m feeling particularly lazy or uninspired, I’ll think: “Well, I could cut out the blog all together and simply post my photos.” But then I realize how much I’d miss the writing aspect when I AM inspired and do have something I want to share. And when it comes to design? Jesus God. I could whip up a fantastic, cohesive design for a client within two hours, but for my own website? This task is even more difficult if you’re trying to design, say, a portfolio. I can’t tell you how many folders of portfolio mock-ups I have rotting on my hard drive. You want to be able to show people what you can do, but at the same time try to steer clear of any one particular style to show that you’re flexible. It also doesn’t help matters that web development is arguably the most competitive, fastest growing field in the job market. These are times when I need that break. I guess I’m just really indecisive.

Anyway, I’m still editing and adding to the content section as much as I can, finishing layouts and editing articles, so let me know what you guys think so far. Also, if there’s anything else you’d like to see, I’m always open to suggestions. I know a couple people are waiting on a few of my articles to be put up, so those should be finished by the end of this month.

This month is ridiculous as far as birthdays go. My mom, sister and niece all have birthdays this month, with my sister and niece having two parties each. Why? Ask them. We also went out to dinner to celebrate all of their birthdays at once, because apparently they just can’t get enough family time! It’s not that I don’t love my family dearly, but trust me. Seven parties here and you’ll wonder why I don’t have a problem with substance abuse by now. Something about nagging family members really facilitates the desperate urge to begin the inevitable slide into alcoholism via tequila. 

My dog might as well have his own website, at this point.

My brain might be cheese, but at least my shutter finger still works.

“Why do you want to work for the Cleveland Clinic?”
“Because it has an excellent pay scale and set of benefits.”

“Have you ever had a negative experience with a customer or patient?”
“Are you fucking retarded? Have you ever actually interacted with the public?!”

“How long would you plan on being with us?”
“Ten minutes.”

Naturally, I refrain from these kinds of responses but sometimes? The urge is overwhelming. I suppose these questions are helpful in selecting the right kind of person for the job. But I’ve interviewed at different branches of the Clinic like FOUR TIMES NOW, so you’d think they’d make up their mind about it already, or at least keep some kind of record of my demeanor and attitude. I have office experience and I’m fantastic with people, specifically old people. I know my way in and out of a computer. Creating and managing spreadsheets is NOT. NUCLEAR. FISSION. Jesus, people. I know how to work in an office environment. I know how to conduct myself, the procedures involved, and it’d take me 2 days tops to have the system figured out. HIRE ME ALREADY.

It’s amazing how high of a regard they put towards this “office experience.” I’d have already been running circles around these tired hags by the time I was 12, so let’s cut the shit and make a decision already. Clearly I am in the right mood to go to a job interview.

It was such a beautiful day out today, internets. It was one of those cool, breezy days where the sun keeps trying to peak out from behind big puffy clouds and it felt like the first day of autumn. It’s amazing how something like that can completely lift your spirits and take away any worries you might have. Well, at least until the nagging, overbearing matriarch of the family throws a wrench in it. Or until it’s no longer nice out as it is in fact, 3am, and you’re sitting up writing mean spirited posts on your blog before a job interview.

It’s really hard being that cute, apparently it tires you out quickly.

My sister and my niece.

LOL.





We’re a special bunch, really.

1. It’s the Tumblr API feed I use. If you click the validation link at the bottom of this website, you’ll see that there are two errors, both Tumblr related. I’ve already emailed the developers and haven’t heard back regarding it. The rest of my code is clean, valid, deliciously semantic markup. Go ahead, check it.

2. Validation doesn’t instantly make your website better. Just because you took the five minutes to run your site through a validator doesn’t mean you’re a cut above the rest. However, valid code in combination with attention to browser quirks, readability, and optimizing your code for search engine indexing is all part of making your website a little better. Validation is not the answer to cross-browser compatibility, but rather a small part of it.

3. I don’t claim anywhere on this website that my design and/or coding skills are better or superior to anyone elses. Sure, I can knock out a valid, cleanly coded layout in a half hour, but that’s because I’ve spent years doing it. I’m sure this website has several issues I’m not aware of, probably has parts of it that are more bloated than necessary, or something that could be done more efficiently. The point is, is that I took more than just the validation step in improving the quality of the technical aspects of my website. The internet and the standards it runs by are constantly changing.

4. I ALREADY KNOW. You don’t need to send me any more comments/emails/messages/IMs regarding this. I have no control over whether or not Tumblr wishes to create an API feed/corresponding method of plugging it in that validates under XHTML 1.0 Strict. I’m also not going to stop using it because I like what it adds to my website. Sorry.

You walk in with something to return, and immediately you’re tackled by a 75 year old man who wants to inquire as to what you’re doing with a bag in your hand, and asks to see your receipt. Because you know, lots of people steal. On their way in to the store. Anyways, after you’ve been cleared by the top-notch security system, you proceed to customer service. There will inevitably be a line wrapping around the corner, and only one person working the returns till, despite your local Walmart having a staggering number of actual employees. The one running the register couldn’t be less enthusiastic to be doing her job, but who can really blame her for that one. This woman may also have a light beard, a weight problem, and a heavy gait.

You stand in line for about 20 minutes, or a similar ludicrous time frame for a store with this many employees, before relegating the task of returning your item to “when it’s less crowded.” Just as you walk away, the line magically dissipates, and for a moment you’re fooled into thinking the universe gave you a break on this one. Except when you go to walk back to the till, 8 people come OUT OF THE WALLS and snatch that opportunity right out of your clenched fists. “Oh well, I’ll come back at midnight.”

Then you proceed to navigate through the big-beyond-all-sense retail store, (Our Walmart is a Super Walmart, which really just means the same amount of merchandise as a normal Walmart but spaced out into 6 football fields.) and then you realize that the two things you’ve come in for are at opposite ends of the goddamn stadium. So, you pick up one of your awkwardly packaged items (heavy things never seem to have handles, and in your rushed panic at being attacked at the door you forgot to get a cart or a basket) and proceed to make the sojourn to the other end of the store. You complete this arduous trip, and then head up to the registers to purchase your items and to end the awful experience.

At first glance, you see one of those fancy self-checkouts, and you think “well, golly, this is so convenient and much quicker than going through a regular line!” Don’t fall for it. You’ll have to decipher a complex panel of hieroglyphics in order to look up the UPC code for your awkwardly packaged produce item, and if you don’t hurry and bag it right away, the system freezes and proceeds to yell at you for not bagging it. Because that’s required apparently. I guess the price of wanting to do something quickly and fuss-free is being verbally badgered by a machine. You’re also mildly irritated at having mastered complex back end website code (well, if you’re me at least) but you can’t seem to crack this simple piece of electronic fuckery.

So, after you’ve stood there for about 5 minutes waiting for the machine to allow you to hit the “skip bagging” button, a hulking brute of an underpaid female employee meanders on over to you and asks you if you need any help. NO, LURCH, I DO NOT IN FACT NEED YOUR HELP. AN HOUR AGO? SURE. NOW? NOT SO MUCH.

You finally come through that little endeavor, angry but relatively unscathed. Guess who is waiting by the doors to lunge at you a second time? Yep, that’s right. The top-notch 75 year old security system. He questions you as to why you didn’t return the item you came in with, and you resist the urge to break his hip. Or give him a swift roundhouse kick to the face. Either/or. This is why I hate supermarkets. And I didn’t even go into the hoards of white trash and running, screaming children you have to swim through in order to make it out of the store alive. It’s experiences like these that make you sympathize with the idea of homicide.

I’d delve into a lengthy treatise about why none of us should shop at Walmart to begin with, with the outsourcing, underpaid foreign laborers, and the sterile homogenized robotic-personless world we live in because of it, but I just don’t have the energy.